The Things We Carry

Back when my sister was in high school, she took an American Literature class and the one book she shared with me was The Things They Carried by Tim O’Brien. I don’t really recall the book (it was about 15 years ago) but what I have always kept in mind was the notion was the that the subjects of the novel, soldiers in Vietnam, could be known through they things they carried, the literal objects and the experiences.

As we have now crossed the arbitrary threshold between 2020 and 2021, one that only changes the number, not the lived experience of the world, I am really invested the idea of the things we are carrying because of 2020.

For too many people in the world, they are carrying an unnecessary death. As of 10am EST on January 1st, there have been 1,820,000 reported deaths from COVID-19. Every person who is connected to those nearly 2 million people is carrying a death. But the world is big, and many of us, including me, has not lost anyone to this insidious disease, but we carry so much else. We carry masks and hand sanitizer, we carry anxiety, fear, and sadness.

But, I also carry hope & joy.

This year was one of immense learning and growth for me.

I am choosing to carry those lessons and teachings, some as objects, and some as the changes in myself I am not letting revert when things “go back to normal”.

Here are the lessons I am going to carry into the future:

1) That it’s okay to not be okay

In July I experienced my first proper panic attack. Looking back, it had been many years (even a decade) in the making. I was not okay. But much like that saying that I always connect to Leo McGarry on the West Wing, is that when you are down in a hole what you need is a friend who has been in that hole before, who can help you find your way out. For me, it was my sister. She has experienced anxiety for many years now and was quick to identify what I was experiencing and push me to speak to my doctor about seeking resources.

From that situation I now carry a physical object, a prescription to anti-anxiety medication, and I am immensely grateful.

By naming why I wasn’t okay and letting my family help me I spent most of 2020 feeling better than I had in 2019, 2018 … I do feel guilt that I feel so well in this year that was so bad for so many, but I know that two things can be true, that this year can both suck and be great.

2) I deserve to feel good in my body

With the time provided to me with the spring lock down I was able to take time to start figuring out what makes me feel good in my body. My body is something I have struggled with for ages, trying to figure out how to not simply tolerate my body, but find a way to work with it to make my life better.

In the spring I was working from my camp, I was painting, repairing, cutting trails and generally being active, and I have never felt better, but it made me aware that my wardrobe wasn't able to keep up with my life. As a fat woman there just aren’t ready to wear (aka clothes you buy) that fit me. The clothes available to me aren;’t my style or aren’t high quality enough to perform the way I need them to.

So I started sewing them.

I have the immense privilege of having the time, money and resources to make my own clothes, and I am grateful that I was able to start doing that. Today, every time I dress I am wearing at least one item I made myself, that was made for me and by me. And it feels so good.

To not be crammed into clothing that doesn’t fit right, or wearing something I am not really comfortable in because it was the best thing available at the time feels so good, and it makes me look better. Since I started making my own clothes I have had more compliments on my appearance, and while the clothes I make are nice, I think it has much more to do with how I carry myself when I am in clothes I feel good in.

From this I carry other objects, the clothes I have made.

3) That it’s just hair, and I could have a very impressive brush cut if I wanted.

I was due for a haircut the week after March Break, so that didn’t happen, and in good form I managed to get myself a COVID cut.

Initially my sister gave me a pretty severe undercut and it was fine but in mid-June when it was time to do something about it, she and my mom (with my full and knowing consent, they are innocent in all of this) managed to give me something between a brush cut and a comb-over, that ended with me clipping my whole head down to a #3 or #4.

In the months since, it has been growing out into a very cool, and very puffy, pixie cut. I have been working with my hair dresser to make it into something I really am happy with. She said to me she would have never shaved my head, but it was such a great thing to happen to me.

I have to agree.

What I carry from this is a new haircut, and much more willingness to try new things.

4) That I love what I do and I need to more of it

With lockdown my work change immensely, I went from being a camp director to being a facility manager and caretaker of my camp property, to lawn mower at the farm this summer, then I went to being a travelling distanced outdoor educator, to accounts payable person, to video editor.

What the year crystalized for me was that I need make sure that any job I have involves spending my life outdoors, because between caretaking the property and working outdoors with the kids I was happier than I have been in years.

Much like a good business or organization I have been forming my own mission statement, to make sure the decisions I make are in alignment with my mission so that I don’t get pulled off track.

From this I carry a new tool kit of resources for teaching and a semi-formed mission statement that I want to clarify in the next few months.

5) I have an amazing family

As a single person in the pandemic I have been permitted the opportunity to stay connected with my family. In the early months no one was working outside the home so we gathered, and in that action I was able to spend as many days with my niece and nephew in 2020 as I had in all the years before combined (I think). We celebrated their birthdays, we climbed rocks, I helped my nephew start learning to swim.

Through all of it, we were together. And I don’t want to be apart. From this I carry the most incredible collection of Instax prints that are a printed record of what we all did together.

6) That sometimes incredible things happen

After 2.5 years on an adventure that I will never know, Jack came back. He disappeared back around Easter of 2018, and in early November I was in the barn and I saw an orange cat, and it was him.

He is in perfect health and both older and kinder than when he left.

I was immensely sad when he disappeared, and I truly thought he was dead. I live on a farm by a major highway, with coyotes, birds of prey and neighbours with guns. I had moved on, and I was not prepared to have any animal back in my life.

But I am incredibly happy he is home. We have a new relationship, he is so much happier and contented with his lot in life, and I am happy to let him move from napping spot to napping spot through the day.

Of all the unexpected things to happen this year, this is as high on the list as having a global pandemic.

From this I carry a cat, a sweet orange cat, with a host of new freckles and missing the tip of his tail (the vet said frostbite but that it healed perfectly) and a little more belief in the unbelievable.

Ultimately, we all carry bits and bobs of what has happened to us, and we will never be without these things we carry. Thankfully, the items I wish to carry closest to my heart are light and make me stronger.

I hope that whatever you are carrying from 2020 is something that you can bear, and if you can’t, that you are able to find those around you who can help you.